Pick Your Death Team: Fighter Edition

Gather ‘round, everyone, and listen up. Every adventurer must one day face death. Assembling the proper team to accompany you on your journey is of utmost importance.

One major battle many fight in the face of death is the fight to die where we want. According to a palliative care study at Stanford University, “80% of Americans would prefer to die at home, if possible. Despite this, 60% of Americans die in acute care hospitals, 20% in nursing homes, and only 20% at home.”

What makes a good Death Team fighter? Monica won this battle and honors us by sharing her story. May we all be grateful and heed her advice.

Meet: Monica Bihm

Class & Level: Fighter 10

Background: Mother of Queens, Hell Raiser

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Laughs in the face of danger. Fierce enforcer of justice. Doesn’t take “no” for an answer.

Monica, set the scene for us. What was life like before this battle?

Life was normal at the time. Life was good. It was the middle of summer and everybody was having a grand old time.

You met with death when your mother died, which you’ve shared was a peaceful experience for you.

Tell us what happened in this battle and how you made it out.

My uncle was not sick before this.

Three weeks after my birthday party that summer, he called and said, “Can you bring me to the hospital? Something’s wrong.” From that phone call until the end of his funeral was 33 days.

So, here’s what happened.

He knew he was dying. In that ward of [the hospital] you could hear people getting their last rites through the walls, or family members crying, their loved ones dying at all hours of the night, or them saying the rosary at 1 AM. We knew what they were doing. I would have to try to trick him to not hear it. The environment was just horrible. Even though we all knew he had no hope, hearing it was just sad. It was horribly sad. That’s when I demanded in a very dramatic way that he’d be home with me.

I made the decision on Saturday. They tried to make me wait until Monday.

What was the reason for making you wait?

Because it was Monday, you know, it was a weekend. In all honesty, nobody gave a $#!+ enough to deal with it on the weekend, to call people in from their weekend.

Monica’s Battle Attack:

• I lost my $#!+ in the hall.

• I sat on the ground, in the middle of the hall, screaming that I would not shut up until they got my uncle to my house.

• BE NOT AFRAID: They said, “You’re gonna get kicked out” and somebody even threatened to have me arrested.

• They ended up getting my uncle home the same day because of the show.
  

How has your perspective changed after this hard-won battle?

I think hospitals should be in charge of healing someone. But in the end, when it’s someone dying, they need to step back.

Maybe everybody’s not cut out to do what I did. But once you’re in it, it’s like a roller coaster, you can’t stop until it pulls in.

—

We would all be so lucky to have a Fighter like Monica on our team.

Fighter Monica had some great wisdom to share with us today about persistence, standing up (or sitting down) for what’s right, and fierce love and protection. Are you the person in your death party who is willing to scream in the middle of a hospital death ward to get your loved one brought home?

If not, it’s time to find your fighter.

Building a death team is essential in preparation for being fully present in the adventure of life. How can you confidently go forth without knowing you’ve got people you can depend on to bolster any vulnerabilities?

As your Mortality Companion, I must urge you to consult with your team as soon as possible to secure your Fighter.

death is everywhere

so, I notice death references everywhere. this isn’t just because i’m a death doula. death companion? I like companion better. reminds me of doctor who. death companion, eh?

anyway, it’s not just because i’m a death companion that I notice death references everywhere. and it’s also not just because I have for the better part of a decade studied the mahayana and vajrayana tibetan buddhism in the nyingma tradition. we talk about death as one of the most important parts of our life, often. we learn that life is preparation for death. we learn not to fear death and thus not to fear life.

anyway, it’s not about that, either.

I notice death references everywhere because THEY ACTUALLY ARE EVERYWHERE. it’s all anyone is ever talking about. even procreation. you’d think it’d be the denial, but no. it’s more of an acceptance. by procreating you must accept that one day you will die and you will live on in the memories of the people you leave behind and the impacts you make in them and the community where you live. life and death, life and death, it’s cyclical. you know that already. yes, you really do.

much of the dharma is referred to as remembering. practicing the dharma is remembering to practice the dharma. saying the prayers is remembering to say the prayers. experiencing loving kindness and compassion is remembering loving kindness and compassion. knowing timeless awareness is remembering timeless awareness.

living is remembering. you already know. you knew how to be born. you will know how to die. and you thought it was the end of your world as you knew it before you were born. and here you are. what’s next? it’ll seem like the end of your world as you know it, and it will be. but there you will be. and just like here, a cycle.

or it’s all bullshit and you drift into stardust.

don’t you see it? everything we do is in the glory of living. because we know that one day it will end.

here I am, a kid behind a screen, encouraging you to be mindful with your life choices and know you already are doing amazing.

xo